Passion Container
I frequently hear the word "passion" used to describe tango. Even those who do not dance at all will say to friends and strangers, "Tango is such a passionate dance." After dancing tango for more than a decade, I would be the first to agree that the tango calls forth our deepest passions. However, it bothers me that "passionate" is sometimes understood as "sexual" in the tango world, even though it has a much broader meaning in other contexts. One could be, for example, passionate about medical research or aeronautical engineering calculations, passionate about baseball, riding horses, cooking or, in my case, knitting. When we speak of these passions, we are not referring to a sexual feeling per se, but simply an intense, emotional one.
Similarly, when we say tango is a passionate dance, we can understand it to mean a dance or a tradition with a lot of emotional feeling and intensity, rather than an experience that is always sexual. For some, the association of tango with sexual attraction puts a spin on the entire evening of dancing, creating a certain amount of conflict and confusion and perhaps eliminating many great dance experiences that might have been. I'd like to include in the understanding of tango connection a passion for dancing itself, a passion for creativity, a passion for music, a passion for sensuality rather than sexuality. These are passions that can be shared enthusiastically by any two partners, regardless of age, race, gender, or sexual orientation.
For me, tango is an elegant and powerful language that can express many things, among them camaraderie, romance, respect, curiosity, playfulness, and joy. Dancing with a lover is very different from dancing with a teacher, for example, and both of these are different from dancing with a friend. The emotional context of each relationship is distinct and will influence how each dance unfolds. Insomuch as dance is a corporal expression of human feeling, the quality of the steps of the two lovers will reflect the life they share together. The dance of the teacher and the student, on the other hand, might be influenced by feelings of mutual respect and support. How steps are improvised, their musicality, and above all the quality of the movement are all unique to the dance couple at that moment in time. The Argentines are fond of describing lead and follow as the offering and receiving of "intention." They use this term to describe how two partners improvise steps, of course, but also qualities in their dance. For example, the leader creates a slow deliberate quality as he walks forward, and in that moment, the follower receives not only the corresponding step backward, but the slow deliberate quality of that step as well. In this paradigm, the mechanics of tango and its emotional content are woven together. By accepting a wider scope of emotional experience, beyond sexual attraction, we expand our creative potential.
We can, of course, choose to express attraction or romantic interest with the language of tango, but we are by no means limited to only that. We could also be flirtatious throwing a Frisbee, but clearly it isn't required to enjoy the game! Sensuality means literally "of the senses." When we dance, we use primarily our senses of touch and hearing, though smell, sight, and perhaps even taste can play smaller roles. Tango is one of the most sensual of all partner dances because of the close body contact and also because of its intricate improvisation. In order to dance well, we must develop a physical sense of our own body and that of our partner. By "physical sense," I don't mean simply that we visualize or imagine the shape of our bodies, but rather that we enter the visceral, non-intellectual experience of the body where there are no words, where there is a different way of communication. As tango dancers, we learn to trust our senses of touch and hearing intuitively, without intellectual analysis, and this brings us into the world of sensual experience on which our creative self thrives. Many students of mine over the years have commented that after learning to dance tango they began to pursue writing, yoga, or music. Changes in haircuts, wardrobes, and home dcor are common amongst new dancers, and I believe this is in part because dancing tango makes us more creative people. By embracing the sensuality of tango, and our own passion for movement and music, we open the door to a greater creative exploration. The tango teaches us to be passionate, expressive people. Once we develop creative skills on the dance floor, we can carry them into other areas of life.
I notice that beginner students tend to talk to each other verbally when they dance, usually as a way to ease their nervousness, or to make the closeness of tango less intimidating. As these same beginners become intermediate and advanced social dancers, they stop using verbal communication and switch over to an entirely non-verbal mode of communication. This shift happens as the dancers gain sensual body awareness, and the dance begins to feel magical. If the hypothetical beginner student has read on a tango poster, "Dance the hot and sexy Argentine Tango," then this new sensual awareness might be interpreted as a sexual connection. On the other hand, if the student has read a poster that says "Dance the Argentine Tango," these dancers might soon discover that they can have contemplative dances, respectful dances, playful dances, and as many other kinds of emotional connection that two people can possibly share.
But I don't think changing our perspective is merely a matter of advertising. I think we influence our communities every day through our words, actions, and style of dress. Our senses are closely connected to our body language, most of which we use unconsciously. If we sense something that makes us nervous, the body automatically reacts with tension and contraction to protect itself. If we sense something that makes us happy, we smile and our muscles relax. Body language, gesture, and facial expression are examples of intuitive non-verbal language, which we can begin to use intentionally, rather than unconsciously. We can choose to be approachable or more reserved, to chat with people or to sit alone. We can dress in jeans and t-shirts, or in formal wear, or anything in between. I enjoy dressing up and dressing down, and like to feel attractive and beautiful when I dance. But beautiful, in my mind, has to do with personal style, not a prescribed "sexy tango look."
One of the great opportunities of tango dance is to be truly "in the moment." When we connect with another person in the dance, we are free of the anxiety of what might have come before or what might come after. We are simply dancing. In this frame of mind we become aware of sensual pleasures: the simple exhilaration of our own body's movement through space, the temperature of the air on our skin, the solidity of the ground we dance on. We hear the exquisitely layered instruments and vocal lines of tango music, the social chatter of the other dancers, the voice of our partner in conversation between songs. We appreciate the soft lighting in the dance hall, the stylish dress of the dancers, the beauty of the dance floor itself, full of swirling couples. When we appreciate the sensuality of the entire tango experience, the movement, the music, the atmosphere, the clothing (let's not forget about the shoes!), we naturally express ourselves creatively and will likely become more attractive to others in the process.
I believe that good dances are based on good body chemistry, not necessarily sexual attraction. Although the two are not always mutually exclusive, I'd like to focus on chemistry as one reason that we dance well or poorly with our partner, regardless of skill level. In fact, I've found even in several of my own professional dance partnerships that compatible body chemistry makes technical problems much less important. We usually use this term "good chemistry" to describe romantic relationships, but several of my dance partners were not romantic partners. I have also heard friends speak of having good chemistry with co-workers, research team members, a bartender or an auto mechanic. I've therefore begun thinking of "good chemistry" as another way of describing good non-verbal, or sensual, communication. Some people have naturally compatible chemistry, but if you observe another person's body language, I've found that it's possible to deliberately create a stronger connection with them even if does not "come naturally" to you.
Tango dancers have the opportunity to become, in a sense, intuitive experts in body chemistry and body language. The tango connection, or embrace, is a way to develop tremendous sensitivity to the movement and language of the body as we synchronize with each partner. If our objective is the most comfortable and expressive dance possible, it's in our best interest to pay close attention to the subtle gestures of our partner's body, how he or she takes a particular step or simply the position of his or her shoulders. Noticing these details, often unconsciously, helps us to establish a better sensual connection, or better chemistry with that person. This highly tuned sensitivity and ability to adapt and synchronize is a defining characteristic of the very greatest tango dancers in the world. If, in addition to becoming sensitive, we deliberately apply positive intentions like enthusiasm, generosity, and sweetness to our dances with others, the tango becomes exceptional, even transformational.
One of the most significant benefits of mentally separating sensual connections from sexual ones, and applying this sensitivity training, so to speak, across an entire community, is crossing the barriers of gender and generation. This might be one of the first places where we can begin to see tango connections which are not romantic, but are still very sensual. I like to dance with female friends of mine because I enjoy both leading and following roles and because I enjoy their company and their creativity. The energy of these dances reminds me a bit like a heartfelt conversation with my best friend, or an exciting afternoon of shopping, certainly not sexual, yet nonetheless intimate.
When I see men dancing together, generally it is playful or task-related, similar to playing one-on-one basketball or tennis, or perhaps helping a neighbor fix the leak in his roof, and this again I would classify as a form of sensual connection which is not romantic or sexual in nature. Remember that we're just using the term "sensual" to refer to an intelligence in the body itself, in the senses, not in the analytical mind. In a tango community there is often a wide age range and we often dance with partners 20 years younger or older than ourselves. I think this a tremendous opportunity to experience close connections with other people in a way that you might with uncles or cousins or distant family members.
Going one step further, we could hypothesize that when a heterosexual man and woman dance together, or when two gay men or women dance together, the connection can also be sensual and not sexual (or both, of course). We are probably not sexually attracted to every person we meet, and similarly, we don't have to express sexual attraction with every dance partner, or dance only with those people for whom we feel sexual attraction. One of my students would not come to the milonga because she was anxious about men hitting on her. I explained that although this might happen anyway, she could still appreciate tango from a sensual rather than a sexual perspective, and simply enjoy the music and movement on that level. This made the milonga environment much more fun for her. It decreased her anxiety and she became comfortable dancing with a wide variety of partners. Another woman had frequent arguments with her husband over taking tango classes (He was not a dancer himself). In his mind, the tango was by definition a sexual experience, and he couldn't stand the idea of his wife dancing with other men. I shared with him the perspective of sensuality linked to movement and music, rather than sexual attraction, and eventually he was able to appreciate his wife's passion for the tango, rather than what he imagined was her passion for other men!
It would be silly, of course, to deny that sexuality has no place in tango, and in fact, as testimony to its strength, many tango couples I know have private agreements about dancing at the milonga such as "the 2 set rule," the "once an hour rule," or the "first set of the night/last set of the night rule." I think it is very human to feel jealous, and the tango's closeness tends to push this button more than other activities or hobbies we might choose. In few other situations do we witness our wives, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends wrapped in the "passionate" embrace of another person's arms. I certainly have experienced my share of jealousy at the milonga. However, here is where it helps to interpret "passion" as simply intense feeling, not necessarily sexual feeling. In talking with social dancers, most of time the intense feeling is coming from the sensation of the tango connection itself, or from their love of the dance itself, not from sexual attraction. Dancers love to dance, period, and the sensual connection between partners is a central part of the tango experience.
Over the years I've found that if I let my feelings of jealousy be expressed and addressed, they are less poisonous, but if I keep them hidden and unacknowledged, they tend to torment me and ruin my entire evening! Having personal rituals at the milonga with your life partner can provide the reassurance that we need to enjoy dancing with many different partners each night, but the ultimate answer to jealousy, of course, is communication, and in this case, verbal communication might be necessary! I think of the sensuality of tango as a "passion container" which holds all emotions that pass through the body. Sexual attraction is only one of these emotions, albeit one of the strongest ones, and because it is so strong, and provokes jealousy unconsciously in many of us, it makes sense to me to treat it with care.
I have spoken with many dancers on this subject over the years, and one man I know described his experience this way: "I express many things with my dancing, but I cannot express what I feel for my wife with anyone except her." A woman I spoke with, after about twenty years of social dancing, was able to say to me about her long-time life partner, "I am so happy when he has a good woman to dance with!" I am inspired by these examples, which show that the passion container makes it possible to experience many kinds of sensual tango connections, and to handle jealousy in healthy ways. More powerful still is that understanding sensuality in the tango embrace can actually enhance our ability to love and commit to a life partner, and to other close friendships. The more time we spend in the sensual space of human experience, the more intuitive we become about the passions and desires of those around us. We feel and understand on a deep level our own creative self, and the presence of a creative self in every person. This perspective can make it more natural for us to genuinely support our friends and loved ones' creative dreams and inspirations, whether they be cooking dinner at home, enrolling in painting classes, or launching an investment company.
To truly enjoy social dancing with many people, I have found the perspective of a sensual tango connection is essential. Learning greater body awareness allows us to place sexual feelings in context, as one of a multitude of possible emotions expressed through the body in the passion container of tango. A few other examples of what sensual tango language might express are humor, comfort, playfulness, friendship, and joy. Surely, "dancing with passion" must mean that we allow these feelings and a multitude of others into our tango, and in so doing, encourage a happier, healthier, more creative community in which to dance and to live.
© copyright Sharna Fabiano 2008
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